Drunk and Disorderly
by Lynsey Schadegg
Summary: I'd give you 300 gil to do that! Warnings: Mention of nudity, drunken stupidity


Warnings: Mention of nudity, bad language

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. I do not make any money from this fiction.

Summary: From the prompt "Zack, Cloud: Drunk and disorderly – I'd give you 300 gil to do that!" Don't know where I found the prompt. If it's yours, surprise!

"I'd give you three-hundred gil to do that."

Cloud laughed hysterically, rocking back and forth in uncontrolled hilarity which abruptly ended in a loud belch. His face was suddenly confused. "Wait, what?"

"I'd give you," Zack furrowed his eyebrows and counted his fingers, "three huner-hundred gil to do that."

The blond went to take a drink of his…whatever Zack had given him and missed, spilling the alcohol down his shirt. He snorted a laugh, giggling uncontrollably. "Do whaaaaat?"

"You jus' said you'd luvta suck ol' Sephy-pants like a wally-lollipop." Zack poured himself another shot, spilling most of it on the floor. "I'd _pay you_ to do that."

"Ah-ite," Cloud slurred, standing up only to almost fall over again. "Les' doit."

Zack chuckled drunkenly, standing up and supporting himself against the table. "I have a card!" He clumsily pulled an official looking ID card from his pocket and waved it around in Cloud's face. "Seeeeee?"

"Cooool." Cloud swiped at the card and missed. He grabbed Zack's arm instead and pulled it closer to look at the card. Blinking at it blearily, Cloud smiled and squealed. "You look _sooo cuuuuute_."

"I know!"

Thirty minutes and several unreasonable giggling fits later, they made it to Sephiroth's apartment on the top floor of the SOLDIER barracks. Zack handed Cloud the half empty tequila bottle to Cloud and brandished his keycard.

***************

Sephiroth pushed himself up on his elbows at the sound of thumping against his front door. The only thing that kept him from jumping out of bed, sword in hand, was the sound of slurred sniggering. What kind of inept assassin made so much noise?

He rose from bed, graceful and completely nude. He snagged his robe from where it lay draped over his dresser. Leaving it untied, he padded down the hallway. A delicate silver eyebrow raised at the distinctive sound of Zack's throaty laughter. Another thump and the electronic lock snicked open.

The door swung open and _crashed_ against the wall. Two bodies fell inside, one on top of the other.

"Shhhhh!" Zack hissed loud enough to wake Sephiroth's neighbors, if he had any. The General sat down on his rarely used couch and watched in amused irritation at the two idiots attempting to sneak into his apartment. His patrician nose wrinkled at the wretched stench of alcohol that emanated from the two moron's very _pores_, as well as the bottle that was now spilled all over his nice, previously clean, hardwood floor.

Zack rolled off of the smaller man and grabbed for the bottle that was slowly rolling away. He seized it in triumph and downed the remainder of the alcohol that hadn't spilled out.

Cloud pushed himself up, peering around blearily. "Zaaaack, where are we?" The blond poked his companion's side vigorously, causing the older boy to groan and roll over.

"Zack?" Cloud poked again and received another groan. "Zackie?" Poke poke.

Passed. Out. Drunk.

"Fuck," said the blond feelingly. He flopped backward with a huge sigh.

Sephiroth almost laughed. Almost. He stood, quiet as an owl in flight as he moved across the floor to the still open door. He rolled Zack out of the path of the door with his foot, making sure he ended up on his side (in case he vomited in his sleep, of course). He gazed down at the blond cadet still lying in the doorway. Pretty blue eyes were closed and long, long dark lashes rested delicately on alcohol flushed cheeks. Those lashes blinked twice and the eyes peered hazily upward.

"I don't feel so good," moaned the blond, who was starting to look a little green around the edges.

**********************

Sephiroth spent an hour and twenty six agonizing minutes on the floor of his bathroom as Cloud vomited and dry-heaved. It was obvious the blond had tried to match Zack drink for drink, even though he was much smaller and unaltered. The General was honestly surprised the little cadet didn't have alcohol poisoning.

Finally completing his unflappable worship to the porcelain God, Cloud fell back against the wall. Sephiroth wiped the delicate, triangular face clean of any…_stuff _that might have been left behind. He offered the cadet a glass in which he had already dissolved a small tablet of something to settle a rolling stomach…which he usually had after mako treatments. His medicine cabinet was stocked with the little tablets.

Cloud took the offered glass with minimal awareness. He drank the concoction slowly, stomach threatening to rebel again at any second. Sephiroth took the glass back once it was drained, and sighed heavily as Cloud slumped to the floor in unconsciousness.

**********************

Cloud hated Zack. He hated Zack with the full fury of a grade A, first class hangover. He groaned, nauseous, aching, and utterly exhausted. The blond peeled open his sticky eyes, prepared for the light to stab straight to his brain. He was pleasantly surprised when he found the room to be dark. Sighing in relief, he glanced around to see where he was. He remembered leaving Zack's…did they go to his place, or-

Sephiroth. Was. Looking. At. Him.

The silver General was stretched out in the bed next to him, nude and more beautiful than any living being had rights to be. Blue eyes widened comically in fear, apprehension, and…hope?

"Please tell me we had sex."

Sephiroth's jaw dropped momentarily, only to snap shut a moment later. His eyes were still stunned when a short burst of laughter escaped his mouth. "No. We did not."

"Damn," Cloud scrubbed his face vigorously. "Then…why am I naked in your bed?"

"You and Zack attempted to sneak into my apartment for some Shiva-forsaken reason. I spent half the night with you on the bathroom floor while you vomited. You are naked because you were covered in vomit, and I was not going to allow…_that_ on my bed while I made sure you didn't end up with alcohol poisoning."

Cloud groaned in total and absolute, soul-stealing embarrassment. He rolled away to hide the blush that was threatening to set the sheet on fire. "Wait…" he rolled back over to face the still-lounging General. "Why are _you_ naked."

A sexy smirk. "I was hoping you would be sober when you woke up."

Bright blue eyes looked hopeful. "So we can have sex?"

Sephiroth chuckled, reaching out to delicately touch spiky blond hair that was no worse for wear from a night of puking and sleeping off a hang-over. "Only if you brush your teeth first."

END


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